the fire slowly died

and the fire slowly died
leaving in its wake a residue of life less confined
and energy transformed into chemistry
that radiated love
chemically altering the state of hate that permeated the death of us
and new life emerged
with sirens crying
and blue birds flying
like a paradox caged outside of a box
so that a smile reconciled the absence of you
and a touch ignited a sparkle of hope
beyond dreams
and wishes
into a manifested beginning of now
changing simple hello's
into unlimited possiblities
and subdued glances
into complex examinations
the fire slowly died
so that the forest could be seen beyond the burning trees
and tomorrow
tomorrow could be welcomed by your release.

Dearheart

Dearheart, fear not, for I see you.
I see you.
I see you … and all of your complex choices
That suggest loss
And absence
And fear
and an ignorance of the bliss that beckons you to be more than just a dream
And I hear you
I hear you.
I hear the multitude of voices that become your shield
Guarding you
Hiding you
Disguising you
from a reflection of the man you have become
and all of the trials you have overcome.
Yes, Dearheart, I understand you.
I understand you.
And why the truth continues to elude you.
But, Dearheart, fear not, for I was you.
I was you.
I was the man that chased a dream believing I was unable to be something more than a broken spirit…
A broken promise
Believing I was just broken.
But, Dearheart, fear not, for things will change.
Things will change.
And you will find the strength
to see yourself …
To see yourself as I see you; and to know yourself, as I know you, and to love yourself, as I love you.
To love yourself…as I love you.
Dearheart, fear not, for I see you.
I see you.
And one day, one day soon, so will you!

Words...seem to fail

In the end words failed
And emotions seemed to overwhelm the prevailing sense of peace…
Tides of tears ebbed and flowed
And the stillness of soul became aflutter with angst
The pain was not yet realized
But the loss was deep
The truth offered a glaring witness
To the shallow waters that drowned happiness
Bliss retreated
And changes ensued
Where love once curled on the corner of a smile
A glaring eye took on its own life
And things once overlooked--Perfect imperfections
Became magnified defects
And everything--Ev-er-y-thing
Became suspect
Yes, in the end, words seem to fail,
But words gave rise to the changing tide
Words
Became personified eyes
Allowing the glimpses of truth to move beyond words like “I love you…”
In the end words seem to fail
Yes, words seem to fail…fail to mask the lie of us…
In the end…

Metamorphosis

And the sun rose…giving way to rays of new beginnings
Like butterflies shedding their cocoon…
Flapping their wings for the first time…
Flight sustained
Everything changed
Like bliss
With simple moments
Gentle moments
And a gentleman’s patience
Waiting for the ready…
Without pressure
Or expectation
Confidence in knowing
That love continues growing
Even in ignorance

Yes, like bliss
Enveloping darkness
Transforming the distance between me and my heart
Painting days with yellow hugs
And purple kisses
So that moments become magic
And memories become art

This is what I wanted –
That juicy purple love…
Spelled with bubble letters…
Art…
Like graffiti…
Completely free…easy…
Reminding me of childhood laughter
And cake batter…
And school boy crushes
And that pitter patter and butterfly flutter
That sends goose bumps up and down your arms…
This…this is what really matters…
and so love…love sits on the tip of my lips
like cherry chap stick
smooth
easy
love

And so the words fall like rain
With hope fumbling across the page
Trying to stage the perfect rendition
Of the flutters that continue to mark the moments of now
Like candy coated raindrops
Sprinkling the sweetness of your embrace
This taste
Must be love
Constantly reminding me of wishes
Long hoped for
And just now realized
Like bliss
Sneaking up on you
And slowly stretching across your lips
To mark the simplest truth
Love…
Bliss…
And a beautiful metamorphosis.

I Deserve More

I will not love
As if I were stone
In order to avoid the hurt that complements love
I will not shield my soul
From the trappings of intimacy
So that I can protect myself from the trials of loss
The cost can be paid in wages of tears
And experiences marred with anguish and fear
But I will not love
As If I were stone
I will not harden my heart
To create stops and starts
Those never move beyond hellos

I deserve more

I will not hold on to anger
To stay steady and calm

No,
I will embrace the darkness
The abyss of emotion that leaves me tethered to a longing for love

I will be love
Forgiving in the endings
Honest in the beginnings
And communicative throughout
So that I can witness the birth of happiness
Plant the seeds of tranquility
And nurture them with the soil of my soul

I will be bold
In my loving
And hold tight to the promise that I can be complete
All by myself
But I choose to be the whole half of a part of an us
So…
I will be love
Loved
Loving
In the minutes and moments until we exist.

I will be
All that I am
Until we exist.

Your Voice

Like a starving seed planted in a garden of need
I become withered and dry when we don’t speak
It’s like the world spinning without a song
And I don’t believe this is love
This longing
Yearning
That I can never seem to quench
I wear it like a stench of shame
And it shackles me to melancholy
Even when I’m grounded in bliss
I feel listless
Emptied
Lost
And the void widens
And nothing seems to be enough
Nothing
Not even love
To satisfy this hunger
This fear…
Except your voice…

And I become bound
Tethered to a dream not yet realized
Wanting to be more than thought
Wanting to be more
To feel more
more than perfectly flawed
but I am only human
and though I try hard not to be flawed
I fall
Back into a ball of need
Conceding my beauty
Feeling unworthy
Becoming
The ugly that I keep buried
A distorted reality
Of my own identity
Lacking love
And strength
And security…

And I become lost
Lost in a memory of strength and truth
Free
Secure
And Happy
A memory…
Of when all I wanted was love
But I got lost in longing
Felt unworthy
Dirty
needy

And now –
Now, I’m committed
Committed to finding the me
I lost in the absence of words
The me that held fast to love
So that I can free myself of the melancholy
That chains me to a need
To hear your voice…
A secure,
Healthy
Happy
Me…

Hands

He laid his hands on me
Put his hands all over my body
And the heavens opened up
How could I know his touch
His kiss
Would change the way I look at love?

First he found my lips
And our tongues danced
It started off soft and sweet
And as our bodies curled into one another
The kisses became long and deep
And I instantly understood this was what we both needed

He began gently massaging the small of my back
Flirting with the tip of my crack
And I felt him breathing on my cheek
my knees got weak –
but my body responded
as my hands pressed against his chocolate skin
my heart rate quickened
and I held on to him –
as my skin began to tingle
And my dick began to throb
He was … no, he is…perfection – personified

Moments
Fluttered like butterflies
Between lust and love
I wanted him –
I needed him –
And I wasn’t afraid to be honest with him
And in between the kisses
And thrusts and moans
We gave life to our attraction
And spoke openly of our needs
I didn’t know I needed him
But I did – I do
And in between the words
Our love making continued
Without penetration
He found his way inside of me
And left more than a memory

And the passion ensued
My legs wrapped around him
And I whispered – I want you
As the walls came crashing down
And it was true
I wanted him – I want him
But I knew then as I do now
Timing is everything
And so I will wait …
To show him how his beauty extends beyond the bed
And for now I will continue to feel
To feel alive
And beautiful
And loved
And one day
I will lay my hands on him
Put them all over his body
The heavens will open up
And my touch … my kiss
Will change the way he sees himself and the way he looks at love.
And then,
We’ll both be ready!

Realization...

The pain of loss
Anchored me in an abyss of emptiness that left me afloat on an island of fear
Blinded by the hurt
I remained in a state of suspension – feeling raw, but feeling – remembering the love – and longing for healing…
And the days became agonizing and long
with heavy hearted crying the daily norm
and suicidal thoughts – well – those came
as did the melancholy
I lost myself
Became worthless
And believed I was deserving of this abuse
Because I betrayed your trust
In a moment of lust
And so I continued to punish myself
Even though we agreed to work on things
But we neglected forgiveness
And forged ahead in an unhealed partnership
That became a prison of disaffected union
Our intimacy became a forced routine
With love dissipating
Changing
Without clear communication
And then the we changed
You found another and I became the blame
I became
A painted veil trapped in a frame
Uglied by the pain of your withdrawal
And the reality of our failure
I took the prize
I realized that the depression
The hurt
The pain
The disdain
It’s all par for the course…
And when the sun shines again
I’ll love unabashedly
Without the trappings of guilt
And shame
And hurt
And pain
I love –
Because it is who I am
and when I am healed
I’ll be loved back – without conditions
With an honest heart
Because I’m a worthy of it
Deserving of it
And I know now that our love was beautiful
but I will find a man I can trust
and I will believe in us
even if I am terrified
because I have finally found my way…
and I finally understand why your love was never enough…
Thank you!