Your Voice

Like a starving seed planted in a garden of need
I become withered and dry when we don’t speak
It’s like the world spinning without a song
And I don’t believe this is love
This longing
Yearning
That I can never seem to quench
I wear it like a stench of shame
And it shackles me to melancholy
Even when I’m grounded in bliss
I feel listless
Emptied
Lost
And the void widens
And nothing seems to be enough
Nothing
Not even love
To satisfy this hunger
This fear…
Except your voice…

And I become bound
Tethered to a dream not yet realized
Wanting to be more than thought
Wanting to be more
To feel more
more than perfectly flawed
but I am only human
and though I try hard not to be flawed
I fall
Back into a ball of need
Conceding my beauty
Feeling unworthy
Becoming
The ugly that I keep buried
A distorted reality
Of my own identity
Lacking love
And strength
And security…

And I become lost
Lost in a memory of strength and truth
Free
Secure
And Happy
A memory…
Of when all I wanted was love
But I got lost in longing
Felt unworthy
Dirty
needy

And now –
Now, I’m committed
Committed to finding the me
I lost in the absence of words
The me that held fast to love
So that I can free myself of the melancholy
That chains me to a need
To hear your voice…
A secure,
Healthy
Happy
Me…

Hands

He laid his hands on me
Put his hands all over my body
And the heavens opened up
How could I know his touch
His kiss
Would change the way I look at love?

First he found my lips
And our tongues danced
It started off soft and sweet
And as our bodies curled into one another
The kisses became long and deep
And I instantly understood this was what we both needed

He began gently massaging the small of my back
Flirting with the tip of my crack
And I felt him breathing on my cheek
my knees got weak –
but my body responded
as my hands pressed against his chocolate skin
my heart rate quickened
and I held on to him –
as my skin began to tingle
And my dick began to throb
He was … no, he is…perfection – personified

Moments
Fluttered like butterflies
Between lust and love
I wanted him –
I needed him –
And I wasn’t afraid to be honest with him
And in between the kisses
And thrusts and moans
We gave life to our attraction
And spoke openly of our needs
I didn’t know I needed him
But I did – I do
And in between the words
Our love making continued
Without penetration
He found his way inside of me
And left more than a memory

And the passion ensued
My legs wrapped around him
And I whispered – I want you
As the walls came crashing down
And it was true
I wanted him – I want him
But I knew then as I do now
Timing is everything
And so I will wait …
To show him how his beauty extends beyond the bed
And for now I will continue to feel
To feel alive
And beautiful
And loved
And one day
I will lay my hands on him
Put them all over his body
The heavens will open up
And my touch … my kiss
Will change the way he sees himself and the way he looks at love.
And then,
We’ll both be ready!

Realization...

The pain of loss
Anchored me in an abyss of emptiness that left me afloat on an island of fear
Blinded by the hurt
I remained in a state of suspension – feeling raw, but feeling – remembering the love – and longing for healing…
And the days became agonizing and long
with heavy hearted crying the daily norm
and suicidal thoughts – well – those came
as did the melancholy
I lost myself
Became worthless
And believed I was deserving of this abuse
Because I betrayed your trust
In a moment of lust
And so I continued to punish myself
Even though we agreed to work on things
But we neglected forgiveness
And forged ahead in an unhealed partnership
That became a prison of disaffected union
Our intimacy became a forced routine
With love dissipating
Changing
Without clear communication
And then the we changed
You found another and I became the blame
I became
A painted veil trapped in a frame
Uglied by the pain of your withdrawal
And the reality of our failure
I took the prize
I realized that the depression
The hurt
The pain
The disdain
It’s all par for the course…
And when the sun shines again
I’ll love unabashedly
Without the trappings of guilt
And shame
And hurt
And pain
I love –
Because it is who I am
and when I am healed
I’ll be loved back – without conditions
With an honest heart
Because I’m a worthy of it
Deserving of it
And I know now that our love was beautiful
but I will find a man I can trust
and I will believe in us
even if I am terrified
because I have finally found my way…
and I finally understand why your love was never enough…
Thank you!

Gratitude

Thankful for the shoes that carry me on this journey
Down a road that might seem unbending
With bumps and twists and turns…leading me to a place of reflection…and introspection that sometimes wears heavy on my soles…

Thankful the words that express my discontent
When I'm feeling under pressure and overwhelmed
At the curve balls that I manifest through my power of unclear intentions…

Thankful for the song that plays in my head
When I'm dancing through the corridors of angst
That settle into my familiar contemplations of lack…of fear…of woe and of life's complications…

Thankful for the man that stands by my side…full of pride
And tries to guide me, even when I'm clouded…
Unsure and self neglecting…

Thankful for the woman that holds out her hand…even when she doesn't understand…
And tries to pull me ahead
when I'm head strong and hell bent on shutting myself out

Thankful for love
And the powerful healing that radiates from the knowledge that even in the darkness I'm a king of light...a rightful ambassador of joy…and entitled to the riches that have always been my birthright.

Thankful
For the ability to appreciate that giving thanks … is simply enough to be thankful for…

Moon

I remember when I was the moon that embraced your night sky
And moments were like musical notes hanging on the air
Firefly lights flickered like candles dancing on the wind
and a breeze of tranquility would calm the passion brewing within
you were my evening
the end of days
the place where I could disrobe
and rid myself of the days troubles
and drown in the nakedness
of shameless exposure
you were my unbending soldier
shielding me from the darkness
while showing me the light
you were life
night
sky
and it felt beautiful
so beautiful and rich with possibility
I remember when I was the moon that embraced your night sky
And when the sun started to rise
And we said our goodbyes
As I wished for an eclipse
For darkness to offer me one last glimpse of the magic of you
The beauty of us
The glorious beauty of moon meeting sky and becoming night
Yes, I remember when I was the moon
When I was the moon and I could embrace you
Feel you
In me, around me, all over me
Night
Sky
Life
And we said our goodbyes
as the sun shined her brilliant light.

I am...Part II

I am an unbending tree
Unforgiving in my beauty
The child of Yemeya
A follower of my heart
A barrier breaking, boundary crossing, child of progress intentioned
I am the definition of success
A neatly packaged mess of passionate ambition
Free, yet priceless

I am the branch that hangs low
The fruit that springs forth
The seed that plants the tree
Rooted firmly in soil fertile with opportunity

Growth

I am growth
Spurting forth like stretch marks on virgin skin
Building castles on wishes and honoring a tradition of self
Becoming
Becoming a mirror
Reflected, reflective, reclaimed
Unconditional
Bound only to a spiritual commitment to see

To see

Beyond the beauty
Beyond the damage
Beyond a uniquely common story told in one act plays and dialogic monologues

I am free
A perfect soliloquy revealed in secret
A blending of souls
left open to unfold without regret
Lest, I forget
I am the child of neglect
Seeking love in darkened spaces
Seeking love
Fiercely ignorant of its residence within
Yes, I am love
Healed
Revealed
And free
Beautifully transparent and free
I am free
I am
everchanging
always becoming
and growing
and free
free to be undefined.
I am free...

I am...Part I

I am like rain

Falling on cemented dreams sprinkled with weeds that feed on me
The sum of parts that I don’t know
A story still untold

I am woven flesh
stitched into a story of hope
Rose from a garden watered with heroine needles and crack vials
Born of a mistake
A mistake told through a mother’s story taken to the grave

I am the adult survivor of a molested childhood
A childhood riddled with laughter and neglect
Bound to memories that paint colorful pictures of fear and longing and loss and loathing

I am an uncurled motherless fetus
Worn for the wear
Hurt and afraid and tired and alone
I am alone
Hardened like stone
And sadly – this story IS my own

I am the adolescent that was raped
brutally raped
because I trusted my mother and not my heart

Raped because I needed a place to lay my head…a bed

Raped

I am a man who was raped
Scarred
Damaged
Broken

And yet…

I am a complicated monologue
Of Shakespearean proportions
Unafraid to love
In spite of my fear

I am…
Unafraid
Unafraid to become
More than someone else's mistake
Or someone else's victim
Or survivor
I am greater
greater than the sum of my parts
Even if the parts remain unknown
I am a beautiful piece of art
A sparkling star flickering in a darkened sky
Unapologetic
Unafraid to shine
I have arrived
And I rise…from a history of untended hearts and severed ties
Emptied of the tears that filled a river of fear that plagued my mother, my father, and the years of healing that still remain –
I am free of pain
And my story…
My story is one that unfolds into a motivational masterpiece
And today…
Today I know who I am…
I am
Unapologetically me
An intelligent, successful, and forgiving human being…
And I am free