Wanting

I want to be the kid on the greeting card that reads
“Wish you were here!”
to be shades of orange with hues of blue – because no one is ever always happy

I want to be that globe trotting, leisure book reading, debate having, always laughing, man that worries about which wine to drink at night, red or white?

But these days…
These days, I am the man that hasn’t been sleeping…
…The burn the candle at both ends, missed the gym again, oh, don’t eat that slice of pizza because you must be thin, man.

Yep…this I am

I am struggling…
Struggling to find enchantment in spaces I have created
Opportunities I have embraced
And obligations I have accepted
While trying to measure the price – beyond dollars and sense – that my ambition costs.

I feel lost
As if trying to get back to a season of summer
A time when I turned around and changed my own life
And decided I’d try putting me first

And so I did

Until I decided to pursue a PhD…
And to become a Director…
And to become a lover…
And to become…
To become everything but first

And so it seems I’m stuck in winter
wanting change
wanting something different
wanting.

And now I want to be unfettered
Boundless
Clear
To be healthy and whole
To get back to lunchbox days
When school was safe
And teachers didn’t use me to push their agenda
When things were easier
And I could find time to play
Just play
And be innocent
Ignorant
And loved.

But those days were never my reality –
And so,
I suppose it’s time to reassess my goals
To take stock of my ambition
And to determine where I shall go on this road
It’s time to remember who I am
And to honor that I am whole
And that I am loved…
That I am
Everything I want to be
And everything I dream to be
And everything I have yet to be does not have to be planned to perfection.