Standards have value

Standards
have
v a l u e

and still they keep me caged to solitude
because I am an immigrant
living in a community that neglects commitment

There’s a silent genocide occurring in my heart
Killing all the parts that keep me in tune with the things I hold true

Love – beyond the boundaries of beds, and condoms, and soft whispers from noncommittal sexual partners. Love – like music, permeating barriers of language, and distance, and thought – just a pure emotional phenomenon – that causes an orchestra of pleasure beyond verbal explication.

He was like the wind – blowing through parts of me that remained untouched
He had a swagger – that grabbed my attention – and a character that spoke with no words
He was gold
But he didn’t know – and so, he continued to fall victim to the life
Choosing mediocrity, while lacking foresight

And me…
I felt foreign
Like an immigrant transported to a strange land – finding familiar expression, yet struggling to understand – understand why good men…are impossible to find –

It’s due, in kind, to the lifestyle –
Or so I’ve been told…

Growing up sexualized, honoring stereotypes, lacking models of trust, of truth, of monogamy and giving into the idea that love is coming –
again and again and again –
because instant gratification, like ejaculation, offers temporary satisfaction –
but what happens when the ejaculation no longer satisfies your need for connection – when you become the stranger?

There’s a danger…
A danger in having standards
In holding true to what you know you are entitled to –
And honoring the man within you

The danger comes when you realize that most men trivialize their needs
And that by honoring your own
You could end up alone
And so…
Here I stand –
Struggling … in this foreign land –
Beckoning for an outstretched hand to help me feel connected…
To help me understand
That this…
This is how I become a man …
a man who has value…
and honors standards
And character
And commits to being loved the way a man should be loved

He – he was the one I wanted to love…
Completely,
Freely,
And totally
But he wasn’t ready…

So,
I bless him on his journey
And tend to my heart
So that the genocide doesn’t kill the loving parts…
And now, I understand
that being a man

means sometimes I will have to hold my own hand!

Diamond

Amid a sea of beautiful black men – he stood out like a diamond. He was like the wind blowing softly into areas kept safely hidden from the world. His words were like raindrops watering seeds that were planted before the soil had dried. And his eyes, his eyes were silently pleading for more than just a number, more than just a name, it was clear he wasn’t fronting – no…he wasn’t running game. The setting told a story, and the music lent a soundtrack – there were crazy hot beats lacing some shot ass tracks…and beautiful men pressed against me, in front and in back – I could have easily been distracted, but something inside me kept me on track. I had to know his name, I had to make a connect. So, I waited in the cut – let brother’s do their thing and when I saw he was open – I made my way in. It started with a smile – and the smile woke something inside – and then it move on to a quick convo – it’s hard to converse when you’re competing with the DJ…and so I gave him my name…told him I’d check on him again – and headed back over to my friend. I danced a bit, had a drink or two…had some fine ass dudes trying to kick it too, but I already knew who I wanted to pursue…so I kept my focus, did what I had to do. As the night wound down and the morning crept in, I knew I had to kick it with him, let him know I was feeling him – so I headed upstairs, waded through the crowd…got jostled around as I tried to spot him from afar – and then it hit me – he was already gone! Amid a sea of beautiful black men – he stood out like a diamond. And as I surveyed the room…looking for his eyes – a smiled formed and I felt electric inside – I spotted him – waiting for the bathroom…and as I approached he saw me too.

Though we rarely speak – I owe him my gratitude – for like the wind…blowing softly into areas kept safely hidden from the world, he unknowingly touched parts of my soul that allowed me to feel whole again. And like raindrops watering seeds that were planted before the soil had dried, his words, simple as they were, helped me to feel alive. Thank you for your random act of kindness…I only wish we could really connect, so you could share in this experience.

Wind whispers carry songs across waves leaving melodies on the edges of leaves. Lullabies rain down like water drops from clouds heavy with sunrays and the sun shines bright offering rays of light that cascade across blades of grass – in days past – tears streaked the watercolor used to paint a memory and the colors ran together like confused lovers lost in a wonderland – painted stills moved with an elegance found only in dance and the romance that endured fell upon it’s final stance. It was a chance for change – but change brought pain and pain begat a chain of unfortunate events that would lead to a reign of distorted integrity. The sacred became vacant and the temple bled a disease of licentious morality that welcomed in Tom, Dick and Harry – and the body became a casualty of the melancholy that choked the soul. Encrypted in the sexual indiscretions was a code – a code that could heal the wounds and end the self inflicted neglect that allowed a continual disconnect from pure love. But, everything remained suspect and the code went undetected – until reflection offered a clear vision of the truth – the code, once deciphered, disclosed that the abuse would end when love found its way back in – and so with the wind whispers carrying songs and lullabies raining down and the sun shining ever so brightly – the darkness found its end, and love beckoned for a reconciliation of all of the disconnected parts within – and like magic – happiness rained down again.

A love letter...to my ex

Cumulous clouds against a purple sky,
hazy shades of winter frosting words like ice
Drawn to the madness like a solar eclipse letting darkness permeate all that exists
There was once a spark…once an ember that offered hope
But it was lost when the frost froze the words that you spoke
And now,
Now…
All that remains are stains of pain leaving marks across the universe of two
And the separation offers an exorcism of the love that resigned when you played outside the lines of truth
You broke the rules
And felt good living on the edge
But now the edge has become a thin ledge you can’t dance across without getting hurt
So you stay stuck
Standing still
Looking like a two timing prick who thought his dick could serve as credit…
But you’re the one who got fucked
Because now your shit out of luck…
Now…you’re the joke
And the hope that you held on to … was caught in the frost
And like ice under pressure, it’s cracked and lost
And so…
You understand now…how much indiscretion cost
and you wish you could play it safe
go back to the days when you could sit in my face and pretend things were great
but those days are over…and it was you who sealed your fate…
so peace out cluck cluck
and better luck next time –
you whack ass fuck!

...but i'll always love you!

Free

I’m breathing…
and my heart is beating again…
Time has passed…seasons have changed…and though my love remains
It has changed…
And my heart is in a different place…
Beating…
Beating again…
No longer hurting …
No longer longing…

Weeping willows hang low in reverence
The tears that fell watered the seeds of change that sprung forth following the winter thaw
Like icicles melting in the blaze of the sun
My thoughts have become fluid
And I wonder…
Was there ever really love at all
Or was it opportunity…
Security…
Were you just using me…

I don’t need an answer…

I got on the with the business of healing
and discovered that saying goodbye
saved my life
and you finding someone new
made it easy for me to let go of you
and so…
I’m breathing again…
My heart is beating again…
And I’m smiling
From the inside
Because I know the truth…
And I’m not angry or bitter toward you
And I’m no longer confused

I’m free

free to say goodbye
For the last time…
And mean it!