Gratitude

Thankful for the shoes that carry me on this journey
Down a road that might seem unbending
With bumps and twists and turns…leading me to a place of reflection…and introspection that sometimes wears heavy on my soles…

Thankful the words that express my discontent
When I'm feeling under pressure and overwhelmed
At the curve balls that I manifest through my power of unclear intentions…

Thankful for the song that plays in my head
When I'm dancing through the corridors of angst
That settle into my familiar contemplations of lack…of fear…of woe and of life's complications…

Thankful for the man that stands by my side…full of pride
And tries to guide me, even when I'm clouded…
Unsure and self neglecting…

Thankful for the woman that holds out her hand…even when she doesn't understand…
And tries to pull me ahead
when I'm head strong and hell bent on shutting myself out

Thankful for love
And the powerful healing that radiates from the knowledge that even in the darkness I'm a king of light...a rightful ambassador of joy…and entitled to the riches that have always been my birthright.

Thankful
For the ability to appreciate that giving thanks … is simply enough to be thankful for…

Moon

I remember when I was the moon that embraced your night sky
And moments were like musical notes hanging on the air
Firefly lights flickered like candles dancing on the wind
and a breeze of tranquility would calm the passion brewing within
you were my evening
the end of days
the place where I could disrobe
and rid myself of the days troubles
and drown in the nakedness
of shameless exposure
you were my unbending soldier
shielding me from the darkness
while showing me the light
you were life
night
sky
and it felt beautiful
so beautiful and rich with possibility
I remember when I was the moon that embraced your night sky
And when the sun started to rise
And we said our goodbyes
As I wished for an eclipse
For darkness to offer me one last glimpse of the magic of you
The beauty of us
The glorious beauty of moon meeting sky and becoming night
Yes, I remember when I was the moon
When I was the moon and I could embrace you
Feel you
In me, around me, all over me
Night
Sky
Life
And we said our goodbyes
as the sun shined her brilliant light.

I am...Part II

I am an unbending tree
Unforgiving in my beauty
The child of Yemeya
A follower of my heart
A barrier breaking, boundary crossing, child of progress intentioned
I am the definition of success
A neatly packaged mess of passionate ambition
Free, yet priceless

I am the branch that hangs low
The fruit that springs forth
The seed that plants the tree
Rooted firmly in soil fertile with opportunity

Growth

I am growth
Spurting forth like stretch marks on virgin skin
Building castles on wishes and honoring a tradition of self
Becoming
Becoming a mirror
Reflected, reflective, reclaimed
Unconditional
Bound only to a spiritual commitment to see

To see

Beyond the beauty
Beyond the damage
Beyond a uniquely common story told in one act plays and dialogic monologues

I am free
A perfect soliloquy revealed in secret
A blending of souls
left open to unfold without regret
Lest, I forget
I am the child of neglect
Seeking love in darkened spaces
Seeking love
Fiercely ignorant of its residence within
Yes, I am love
Healed
Revealed
And free
Beautifully transparent and free
I am free
I am
everchanging
always becoming
and growing
and free
free to be undefined.
I am free...

I am...Part I

I am like rain

Falling on cemented dreams sprinkled with weeds that feed on me
The sum of parts that I don’t know
A story still untold

I am woven flesh
stitched into a story of hope
Rose from a garden watered with heroine needles and crack vials
Born of a mistake
A mistake told through a mother’s story taken to the grave

I am the adult survivor of a molested childhood
A childhood riddled with laughter and neglect
Bound to memories that paint colorful pictures of fear and longing and loss and loathing

I am an uncurled motherless fetus
Worn for the wear
Hurt and afraid and tired and alone
I am alone
Hardened like stone
And sadly – this story IS my own

I am the adolescent that was raped
brutally raped
because I trusted my mother and not my heart

Raped because I needed a place to lay my head…a bed

Raped

I am a man who was raped
Scarred
Damaged
Broken

And yet…

I am a complicated monologue
Of Shakespearean proportions
Unafraid to love
In spite of my fear

I am…
Unafraid
Unafraid to become
More than someone else's mistake
Or someone else's victim
Or survivor
I am greater
greater than the sum of my parts
Even if the parts remain unknown
I am a beautiful piece of art
A sparkling star flickering in a darkened sky
Unapologetic
Unafraid to shine
I have arrived
And I rise…from a history of untended hearts and severed ties
Emptied of the tears that filled a river of fear that plagued my mother, my father, and the years of healing that still remain –
I am free of pain
And my story…
My story is one that unfolds into a motivational masterpiece
And today…
Today I know who I am…
I am
Unapologetically me
An intelligent, successful, and forgiving human being…
And I am free

Wanting

I want to be the kid on the greeting card that reads
“Wish you were here!”
to be shades of orange with hues of blue – because no one is ever always happy

I want to be that globe trotting, leisure book reading, debate having, always laughing, man that worries about which wine to drink at night, red or white?

But these days…
These days, I am the man that hasn’t been sleeping…
…The burn the candle at both ends, missed the gym again, oh, don’t eat that slice of pizza because you must be thin, man.

Yep…this I am

I am struggling…
Struggling to find enchantment in spaces I have created
Opportunities I have embraced
And obligations I have accepted
While trying to measure the price – beyond dollars and sense – that my ambition costs.

I feel lost
As if trying to get back to a season of summer
A time when I turned around and changed my own life
And decided I’d try putting me first

And so I did

Until I decided to pursue a PhD…
And to become a Director…
And to become a lover…
And to become…
To become everything but first

And so it seems I’m stuck in winter
wanting change
wanting something different
wanting.

And now I want to be unfettered
Boundless
Clear
To be healthy and whole
To get back to lunchbox days
When school was safe
And teachers didn’t use me to push their agenda
When things were easier
And I could find time to play
Just play
And be innocent
Ignorant
And loved.

But those days were never my reality –
And so,
I suppose it’s time to reassess my goals
To take stock of my ambition
And to determine where I shall go on this road
It’s time to remember who I am
And to honor that I am whole
And that I am loved…
That I am
Everything I want to be
And everything I dream to be
And everything I have yet to be does not have to be planned to perfection.

Happy

I’ve been infected with happy…I can’t shake the exuberant, exhilarating feeling…this smile has taken up residence and created an army of laughter – breeding love…like music…permeating all the spaces that that remain stuck – so that melancholy finds herself betrayed and the usual suspects…fear…and hate…and self doubt…fall victim to the change…yes, this strange change…Happy…like a fat kid untouched by the cruelty of ridicule…or the ugly duckling transforming the norm…to become the constant beauty…Happy – a state of being that has arrested me…and caged me in now…without opportunity for pardon or parole…a lifetime sentence of abundant and joyful episodes…Yes, I’ve been infected with happy…and for this there is no cure!

He Loves Me

He said he loves me.
I believe him.
And so my life has changed;
Everything seems different…
Honest…
Fresh.
He said he loves me.
Who knows if it’s true?
I feel it is…
And so, I guess I do!

He loves me!

And I am awake.
Clearly present –
Aware of the stakes.
And I’m ready –
Ready to be loved – freely, without self doubt…
Without regret…
Without fear.
He loves me –
And everything is clear

He loves me –

And I love him.

"I Love You"

He caressed the curve of my neck…and then I felt his breath…as the hairs across the lengths of my arm slowly began to rise and goose bumps erupted all over my body. I could feel his desire…passion contained – it oozed from his veins as he tried to refrain from throwing me on the bed and having his way…

Every touch felt like little earthquakes waking senses that vacationed in some hinterland of abstinence…I met his lips … his sweet lips … with soft kisses that slowly became firmer…and stronger…and intoxicating – lasting longer…and longer…I could feel my body tense – my nipples project…and my dick become erect…

Slowly he removed my pants – while doing this dance with his lips and his hands…finding spots for sport – while I panted for more – trying harder and harder to withdraw from the magnetic draw that held me captive – spellbound and dazed –

I tried to refrain – to be the good ball of dysfunction that withheld his emotions – but I got lost in his devotion to finding my special spots…I became hot – and moist…I could feel the sweat trickle down my cheek…roll along the curve of my chest…and then get wiped away by his gentle caress…I felt blessed…

And then – he whispered in my ear – words that triggered a pause…and I became numb…lost…caught…

My body stiffened…my kisses became whispers…begging for him to stop – until the whispers became whimpers and the whimpers got louder and I finally shouted STOP!

My dick became limp…my hands, tools of resistance…as I pushed him away – and fumbled for my clothes…I was naked…exposed – and couldn’t find my fucking clothes! Everything became a blur…as he tried to calm me…unsure of what he’d done …

I found my draws...and dressed, as I became more withdrawn – protected – in control – and then he said it once more…only this time louder – clearer – and self assured …

“I love you.”

And all I could do was yell “shut up” as I bolted out the door.

everybody's watching

Everybody’s watching…everybody’s waiting
With baited breath and doe eyed wonder
longing and hungry
For washed up dreams and colored bed spreads stained with cum
Preparing to gawk at the awkward confusion of life unraveling…
Can you feel it?
Tell me, can you feel it?
The piercing stares – the knowing glances…the ridiculous assumptions about choices and chances

Everybody’s watching…everybody’s waiting
For the other shoe to drop … for the end of the series of unfortunate events
called life
And there you go…under the microscope…
packing up your bags…heading for the door
Because loving yourself more than anyone else – believing in yourself more than anyone else
And sticking with it until the end –
That’s just foreign…
Just foreign…

And as everyone watches…as everyone waits
You believe your best option is to run…to flee from the scrutiny
Instead of taking the risk – going with the experience
And learning…growing…
so you run … to the next town…the next challenge – the same challenge
over and over and over again
because running doesn’t equate to learning…
and starting again doesn’t equate to growing…
and so, the “never agains” continue to echo
as faces change…but
everybody continues watching…and waiting…
for you to find the “never again”
and until then…
they watch…and wait…
with baited breath…and doe eyed wonder
until you learn to sit still – love yourself better than this…and just let go.

Reflection

Surely, the roundness of my chin, the plush color of my cheeks,
The circles under my eyes – the sadness…those can’t be mine.
This reflection must be flawed – some trickery, of course…

For I am a sweet piece of art

What happened to my well defined jaw line
And muscle bound arms…to my shoulders that boasted cuts and my chest
Are those breasts?
And where’s my smile … my million dollar smile –

This reflection can’t be mine…

Yet, here I stand –
Mirror in hand…
Looking at a complete stranger –
A foreigner
With a shaved head…brown eyes…
And an unfamiliar smile…
Wondering…
How I remained blind
Blind to the patterns of my life
The patterns that created this contradiction
This unfamiliar reflection
Here I stand…
Just wondering…

I AM LOVED...

And a flood sprung forth … creating a river of tears … washing the surface of this pretty disdain…leaving the residue of emotions subdued … so that movement seems impossible…and this thing…this thing called me – remains a mystery…and I become undone – one with the reckless abandon of honesty – and realize through it all…the most important consequence - although my heart aches – I am loved –

I
Am
Loved

But the trouble remains…this continual refrain … this relentless strain to see past the ugliness of the residue that remains subdued…because being loved doesn’t mend the break…it doesn’t fix the me that remains a mystery…and so I sit with this melancholy…longing…longing to live past the disconnect that leaves every opportunity to love suspect…and it kills the me…slowly…and I embrace the death – welcome the darkness…so that I can fall back on the most important consequence – I am loved…

I
Am
Loved

Without conditions…without refrain…and love alone will ease all of the resistance that kept the me that remained a mystery hidden … so that I can move past the residue of emotions that were subdued…and love the me that emerges beyond the melancholy – so that I can actually…and honestly love me…

friEND

friEND
he was my friEND…I trusted him – let him in – because the loss of a platonic friEND – that could never impact me so intensely – I loved him…unconditionally, or so I thought – because I recognized that his flaws reflected the growth still yet to come…and the immaturity was simply a state of ignorance not yet realized… I had his back – because he had mine...I thought I was accepted…flaws and all…because with him I could be raw – open…honest…or so I thought…and I accepted him…flaws and all…because that’s what friENDs do…even though I knew he was riddled with issues…I mean, aren’t we all?

Our friENDship got caught in the middle of a chord of discontent – perhaps jealousy or envy – or simply disinterest in seeing me through my flaws – whatever the cause – the break came without warning – and the empty space that his lack of friENDship left became a void – that reminded me of loss…of abandon…that was all too familiar – and I responded in kind – hiding….retreating…building walls…to cage the emotional withdrawal required to lick my wounds…mend my heart…because even though we were not lovers…he was a loved one…and even though we didn’t know each other for years … I let him in – because I wanted him to be close … to know me – in all my complexity – in all my imperfection ... and in turn, I wanted the same…to see the ugly side of his truth – and to help him see the gift in it…but it was too much – and I was unprepared…unprepared to counter his withdrawal…

And now…sitting here contemplating how the loss has impacted me…I realize that we…we were very much alike…running away from the difficult things so that we could pretend everything was alright…and perhaps that is the lesson I was meant to learn…but the loss still hurts…the disconnect still burns! I guess this is a lesson learned…but what a high price to pay – a friENDship that I cherished at a time in my life when I needed something to cherish – has died…and the goodbye…the goodbye came with the simplicity of an END call button – a facebook friEND deletion…and with that – so too went the friENDs I met through him – yes…this was a lesson learned – not without pain … not without hurt … but a valuable lesson learned nonetheless.

So with this apology I release the friENDship that has come to an END…and welcome in the newness of growth…goodbye friEND!

...words

Words...

Un-uttered...filling white spaces on pages riddled with anger and loss...


Empty
like lyrics not yet sung...
keys not yet stroked...
notes not yet written...

Words...
building bridges - mending the frayed edges burned by reckless youth...

once therapy
now void
unwilling to yield a healing beyond the block of unanswered questions ...
questions unformed...

Words...
stifled
heavy with doubt

disabling emotional release - dis-ease
crippling speech -
stuck...
blocked...
echoing a deafening silence -

Words...
filled with possibility...
powerful...
colorful...
vivid...

words...fail today
and everything fades -

Words...
become a mystery
and the treachery leaves a wake of empty spaces

yet words...
as empty and colorless and limited and crippling as they are
offer an explanation for the lack...

the lack of
writing...
communication...
connection...

reflection...

The lunacy of this place is familiar
reminiscent of silenced years of unspoken abuse...

but words...empty as they are...
still resolve to tell the story
the story of me
that remains unwritten...unspoken...

yes,
beautiful...empty...colorless words...

leave me...

here...

writing a different ending -

words...

haunt me...

words...

break me...

so that I become vulnerable

and aware

and lost

and found

and afraid

of what I will learn...

words...