friEND

friEND
he was my friEND…I trusted him – let him in – because the loss of a platonic friEND – that could never impact me so intensely – I loved him…unconditionally, or so I thought – because I recognized that his flaws reflected the growth still yet to come…and the immaturity was simply a state of ignorance not yet realized… I had his back – because he had mine...I thought I was accepted…flaws and all…because with him I could be raw – open…honest…or so I thought…and I accepted him…flaws and all…because that’s what friENDs do…even though I knew he was riddled with issues…I mean, aren’t we all?

Our friENDship got caught in the middle of a chord of discontent – perhaps jealousy or envy – or simply disinterest in seeing me through my flaws – whatever the cause – the break came without warning – and the empty space that his lack of friENDship left became a void – that reminded me of loss…of abandon…that was all too familiar – and I responded in kind – hiding….retreating…building walls…to cage the emotional withdrawal required to lick my wounds…mend my heart…because even though we were not lovers…he was a loved one…and even though we didn’t know each other for years … I let him in – because I wanted him to be close … to know me – in all my complexity – in all my imperfection ... and in turn, I wanted the same…to see the ugly side of his truth – and to help him see the gift in it…but it was too much – and I was unprepared…unprepared to counter his withdrawal…

And now…sitting here contemplating how the loss has impacted me…I realize that we…we were very much alike…running away from the difficult things so that we could pretend everything was alright…and perhaps that is the lesson I was meant to learn…but the loss still hurts…the disconnect still burns! I guess this is a lesson learned…but what a high price to pay – a friENDship that I cherished at a time in my life when I needed something to cherish – has died…and the goodbye…the goodbye came with the simplicity of an END call button – a facebook friEND deletion…and with that – so too went the friENDs I met through him – yes…this was a lesson learned – not without pain … not without hurt … but a valuable lesson learned nonetheless.

So with this apology I release the friENDship that has come to an END…and welcome in the newness of growth…goodbye friEND!