"I Love You"

He caressed the curve of my neck…and then I felt his breath…as the hairs across the lengths of my arm slowly began to rise and goose bumps erupted all over my body. I could feel his desire…passion contained – it oozed from his veins as he tried to refrain from throwing me on the bed and having his way…

Every touch felt like little earthquakes waking senses that vacationed in some hinterland of abstinence…I met his lips … his sweet lips … with soft kisses that slowly became firmer…and stronger…and intoxicating – lasting longer…and longer…I could feel my body tense – my nipples project…and my dick become erect…

Slowly he removed my pants – while doing this dance with his lips and his hands…finding spots for sport – while I panted for more – trying harder and harder to withdraw from the magnetic draw that held me captive – spellbound and dazed –

I tried to refrain – to be the good ball of dysfunction that withheld his emotions – but I got lost in his devotion to finding my special spots…I became hot – and moist…I could feel the sweat trickle down my cheek…roll along the curve of my chest…and then get wiped away by his gentle caress…I felt blessed…

And then – he whispered in my ear – words that triggered a pause…and I became numb…lost…caught…

My body stiffened…my kisses became whispers…begging for him to stop – until the whispers became whimpers and the whimpers got louder and I finally shouted STOP!

My dick became limp…my hands, tools of resistance…as I pushed him away – and fumbled for my clothes…I was naked…exposed – and couldn’t find my fucking clothes! Everything became a blur…as he tried to calm me…unsure of what he’d done …

I found my draws...and dressed, as I became more withdrawn – protected – in control – and then he said it once more…only this time louder – clearer – and self assured …

“I love you.”

And all I could do was yell “shut up” as I bolted out the door.

everybody's watching

Everybody’s watching…everybody’s waiting
With baited breath and doe eyed wonder
longing and hungry
For washed up dreams and colored bed spreads stained with cum
Preparing to gawk at the awkward confusion of life unraveling…
Can you feel it?
Tell me, can you feel it?
The piercing stares – the knowing glances…the ridiculous assumptions about choices and chances

Everybody’s watching…everybody’s waiting
For the other shoe to drop … for the end of the series of unfortunate events
called life
And there you go…under the microscope…
packing up your bags…heading for the door
Because loving yourself more than anyone else – believing in yourself more than anyone else
And sticking with it until the end –
That’s just foreign…
Just foreign…

And as everyone watches…as everyone waits
You believe your best option is to run…to flee from the scrutiny
Instead of taking the risk – going with the experience
And learning…growing…
so you run … to the next town…the next challenge – the same challenge
over and over and over again
because running doesn’t equate to learning…
and starting again doesn’t equate to growing…
and so, the “never agains” continue to echo
as faces change…but
everybody continues watching…and waiting…
for you to find the “never again”
and until then…
they watch…and wait…
with baited breath…and doe eyed wonder
until you learn to sit still – love yourself better than this…and just let go.

Reflection

Surely, the roundness of my chin, the plush color of my cheeks,
The circles under my eyes – the sadness…those can’t be mine.
This reflection must be flawed – some trickery, of course…

For I am a sweet piece of art

What happened to my well defined jaw line
And muscle bound arms…to my shoulders that boasted cuts and my chest
Are those breasts?
And where’s my smile … my million dollar smile –

This reflection can’t be mine…

Yet, here I stand –
Mirror in hand…
Looking at a complete stranger –
A foreigner
With a shaved head…brown eyes…
And an unfamiliar smile…
Wondering…
How I remained blind
Blind to the patterns of my life
The patterns that created this contradiction
This unfamiliar reflection
Here I stand…
Just wondering…

I AM LOVED...

And a flood sprung forth … creating a river of tears … washing the surface of this pretty disdain…leaving the residue of emotions subdued … so that movement seems impossible…and this thing…this thing called me – remains a mystery…and I become undone – one with the reckless abandon of honesty – and realize through it all…the most important consequence - although my heart aches – I am loved –

I
Am
Loved

But the trouble remains…this continual refrain … this relentless strain to see past the ugliness of the residue that remains subdued…because being loved doesn’t mend the break…it doesn’t fix the me that remains a mystery…and so I sit with this melancholy…longing…longing to live past the disconnect that leaves every opportunity to love suspect…and it kills the me…slowly…and I embrace the death – welcome the darkness…so that I can fall back on the most important consequence – I am loved…

I
Am
Loved

Without conditions…without refrain…and love alone will ease all of the resistance that kept the me that remained a mystery hidden … so that I can move past the residue of emotions that were subdued…and love the me that emerges beyond the melancholy – so that I can actually…and honestly love me…

friEND

friEND
he was my friEND…I trusted him – let him in – because the loss of a platonic friEND – that could never impact me so intensely – I loved him…unconditionally, or so I thought – because I recognized that his flaws reflected the growth still yet to come…and the immaturity was simply a state of ignorance not yet realized… I had his back – because he had mine...I thought I was accepted…flaws and all…because with him I could be raw – open…honest…or so I thought…and I accepted him…flaws and all…because that’s what friENDs do…even though I knew he was riddled with issues…I mean, aren’t we all?

Our friENDship got caught in the middle of a chord of discontent – perhaps jealousy or envy – or simply disinterest in seeing me through my flaws – whatever the cause – the break came without warning – and the empty space that his lack of friENDship left became a void – that reminded me of loss…of abandon…that was all too familiar – and I responded in kind – hiding….retreating…building walls…to cage the emotional withdrawal required to lick my wounds…mend my heart…because even though we were not lovers…he was a loved one…and even though we didn’t know each other for years … I let him in – because I wanted him to be close … to know me – in all my complexity – in all my imperfection ... and in turn, I wanted the same…to see the ugly side of his truth – and to help him see the gift in it…but it was too much – and I was unprepared…unprepared to counter his withdrawal…

And now…sitting here contemplating how the loss has impacted me…I realize that we…we were very much alike…running away from the difficult things so that we could pretend everything was alright…and perhaps that is the lesson I was meant to learn…but the loss still hurts…the disconnect still burns! I guess this is a lesson learned…but what a high price to pay – a friENDship that I cherished at a time in my life when I needed something to cherish – has died…and the goodbye…the goodbye came with the simplicity of an END call button – a facebook friEND deletion…and with that – so too went the friENDs I met through him – yes…this was a lesson learned – not without pain … not without hurt … but a valuable lesson learned nonetheless.

So with this apology I release the friENDship that has come to an END…and welcome in the newness of growth…goodbye friEND!

...words

Words...

Un-uttered...filling white spaces on pages riddled with anger and loss...


Empty
like lyrics not yet sung...
keys not yet stroked...
notes not yet written...

Words...
building bridges - mending the frayed edges burned by reckless youth...

once therapy
now void
unwilling to yield a healing beyond the block of unanswered questions ...
questions unformed...

Words...
stifled
heavy with doubt

disabling emotional release - dis-ease
crippling speech -
stuck...
blocked...
echoing a deafening silence -

Words...
filled with possibility...
powerful...
colorful...
vivid...

words...fail today
and everything fades -

Words...
become a mystery
and the treachery leaves a wake of empty spaces

yet words...
as empty and colorless and limited and crippling as they are
offer an explanation for the lack...

the lack of
writing...
communication...
connection...

reflection...

The lunacy of this place is familiar
reminiscent of silenced years of unspoken abuse...

but words...empty as they are...
still resolve to tell the story
the story of me
that remains unwritten...unspoken...

yes,
beautiful...empty...colorless words...

leave me...

here...

writing a different ending -

words...

haunt me...

words...

break me...

so that I become vulnerable

and aware

and lost

and found

and afraid

of what I will learn...

words...